


“We can’t have a kid. We can’t.”

by ImagineRedwood



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Abandonment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, Pregnancy, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:14:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22873084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineRedwood/pseuds/ImagineRedwood
Summary: Request: You’re Juice’s Old Lady and you find out you’re pregnant. You’re excited to tell but when you do, he gets scared about being a father and he bails on you. You end up moving away and decide to raise the baby by yourself. When your water finally breaks, you end up delivering a boy, but you end up flat lining twice before doctors manage to bring you back. Juice hears about this and comes back begging for forgiveness and a chance to raise his son alongside you
Relationships: Juice Ortiz/Reader, Juice Ortiz/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	“We can’t have a kid. We can’t.”

You looked down at the positive pregnancy test with tearful eyes, a watery laugh falling from your lips. Who knew that two little pink lines could evoke such emotion in you? You couldn’t say for sure, but if your math was right then you were about six weeks along. It wasn’t much, your tummy not looking any different, the baby the size of a mere sweet pea, and yet there was an overwhelming sense of joy that came over you. Your brain was flooded with thoughts of baby clothes and nurseries, baby bottles and onesies and your smile was ear to ear. With your heart beating a mile a minute, you left the bathroom and went into the bedroom. Your eyes fluttered closed and you willed yourself to relax some. At least enough to go over into the living room where Juice was sat watching TV and show him.

Neither of you had been planning for it, this pregnancy likely to be as much of a surprise to him as it had just been for you, but it was still a beautiful thing and you were sure he was going to agree. Taking a series more of deep breathes, you calmed your nerves some and looked down at your tummy.

“Let’s go tell daddy.”

Your feet were soft as they padded across the floor until Juice came into view, shirtless and only in sweats as he laid across the couch. He had one arm crossed behind his head and the other resting across his own stomach. Your smile was soft as you looked over the man that you loved. You had heard all the warnings beforehand, about how Old Men were never held to the same standard as the Old Ladies. How they never committed as much as their Old Lady did. How it was often one-sided. Juice had proven all those warnings wrong rather quickly. He was been near perfect from the beginning, always having been considerate and attentive, respectful and committed. He had been as close to the perfect Old Man as you felt you were ever going to get, and the thought of beginning a family with him was filling you with joy. You smiled brighter as you walked up to the couch to give him the news. In a way, you wanted to do a cute gift to reveal the surprise, but your happiness was too overwhelming and telling him as soon as possible was your choice.

You walked around the front of the couch and Juice smiled as you came into view, his hand reaching out to stroke against the skin of your passing thigh. Pulling his legs in some so you could sit beside him on the couch, his tired and heavy eyes stayed on you. Your happiness was palpable, and he tapped his knee against you.

“What’s got you so smiley?”

Your grin only stretched further, and your hand jutted out to hand him the pregnancy test.

He looked down at the white stick and his smile dropped immediately. You laughed softly, what you perceived as shock amusing to you at that moment. His eyes shot back over to you and any traces of tiredness were gone now. In place of the sleepy heaviness was now a pure panic and he tossed his legs back over the front of the couch, sitting up straight now. He took the test for your hand none too gently and peered down at it. You watched him with your smile still in place, waiting for the moment when the shock cleared up and the happiness set in. His words caught you off guard.

“This is a joke, right? Please tell me this is a prank.”

His eyes were burning into yours as he looked for any trace of humor. When he came up empty, he turned his body toward you more, his voice louder, more frantic now.

“Baby tell me this is a prank. Chibs and the guys put you up to this to fuck with me, right?”

The smile on your lips slowly slipped away as you realized that he really didn’t believe it, but it wasn’t innocent disbelief. This was a hopeful denial and your heart started to rattle, feeling like it was going to drop any second.

“No, Juan baby, it’s real. I took a bunch, the rest are in the bathroom. This is just the clearest one. I’m pregnant.”

Your smile returned only a little in hope. The shaking of his head made it fade once more though. His body shooting up from the couch and starting to pace as he clamped his hands down on his head only made your stomach sink more. Your voice was small as your joy slipped away and an overwhelming fear started to bubble up in its place.

“Babe…”

He was silent for an agonizing 10 seconds before he abruptly stopped pacing and faced you.

“We can’t have a kid. We can’t.”

Your eyes were narrowed in confusion as you looked up at him.

“What do you mean, ‘we can’t’? We are Juice. I’m pregnant, I swear.”

The Son shook his head furiously then. 

“No, you’re not understanding. I’m not ready to be a dad. The club is a mess, we’ve got all these new deals coming up, I barely have my own shit together. How the fuck am I supposed to be a dad? How am I supposed to look after and help raise a kid when I don’t even look after myself well enough. Being a dad isn’t for me. It’s just,”

He shook his head quickly, more to himself than to you as his eyes peered at the floor. When they did finally look up at you, you could see that he wasn’t reasoning with you. He was informing you. He spoke it again though, just in case you weren’t getting it.

“I’m not ready to be a dad. I can’t be a dad.”

Your heart shattered and you had to force your voice to stay level despite the tightening in your throat as you tried to keep it together.

“Can’t, or won’t?”

At the pain in your voice, Juice sighed and took three long steps until he was in front of you. He dropped down to kneel in front of you, his hands reaching to grasp onto your bare knees as you sat there in front of him.

“I love you, baby. I love you. But I just can’t do it.”

You stared down at him and didn’t bother to hold the tears in anymore. They splashed down your cheeks, heavy drops leaving streaks down your skin.

“I’m not getting rid of my child.”

Your sentence was simple and to the point. Him being scared didn’t mean you were going to abandon the life you were carrying. Juice understood and nodded solemnly.

“I know. I would never ask you to do that, but I,”

He stopped, the words tasting bitter and burning his mouth like acid. He knew the pain he would cause to say them to you, but he hadn’t ever lied to you before and he wasn’t going to start now.

“You’ll be an amazing mother.”

Those words were the softest he could make them, the least painful way he could muster his rejection and still it felt as if you had been stabbed. There was a searing pain in your chest, your stomach twisted up into knots so tight it felt like your lungs couldn’t expand. You were blinded by tears and looked down at your lap in shock, Juice’s grip on your knees so tight your skin puffed out around his fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

Shaking your head, you pushed his hands off you and stood, walking hurriedly back into the bedroom, Juice still kneeling in place with his eyes glued to the ground. You went into the bathroom and locked the door behind you, staring at your unraveling reflection in the mirror. Your eyes were red-rimmed and teary, wet streaks down the skin of your cheeks. Your throat ached from holding in the tears and you quickly threw both hands over your mouth as the sobs finally started to escape you. You sank down to the floor, hands trying to conceal the anguished cries that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard you tried. Tears poured down your face and you hiccupped, vaguely registering the sound of Juice moving around in the bedroom. You could hear the drawers opening and closing and the visual of him packing a bag to stay at the clubhouse brought on a fresh wave of tears.

You weren’t sure how long you sat there weeping but when the tears finally stopped and your breathing leveled itself out, you were able to hear that there was no more noise coming from the bedroom, or anywhere in the house for that matter. It was utter silence save for the distant sound of a lawnmower down the street. You stood on shaky legs and spared a glance at yourself in the mirror. You looked even worse than before and used a trembling hand to turn the faucet. Splashing water on your face and cleaning the dried tears from your face, you stood and used the towel to dry, not even bothering to give yourself a once over in the mirror. You were feeling enough of the pain, you didn’t need to see it too. You unlocked the door and opened it, stepping out into the bedroom that you had shared with Juice for years now. You had always thought that the bond that you had was unbreakable. That the love you shared could withstand anything. How wrong you had been.

Looking into the closet, you saw some of his clothes missing, no doubt him having packed up to give you time. With a new numbness washing over you, you reached into the closet yourself and pulled out your overnight bags and luggage. You were sure that he would spend a couple of days over at the clubhouse and you wanted to make sure that when he returned, both you and anything that ever showed proof of you living there would be gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

You cursed as you tapped your hand against the copy machine, frustrated beyond belief. You were eight and half months pregnant and everything seemed to bother you, but this copy machine had quickly become your arch enemy over the last week and you daydreamed about tossing it out of the third story window. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath and tried to calm yourself, the shrill beep from the machine not allowing it. Looking down, you read the screen stating there was an error.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

There was a quiet laugh from behind you and you turned to see your favorite coworker Aiko standing with a grin. She walked the rest of the way to you, her jet-black hair hanging down in her face as she looked at the screen as well.

“I don’t know why they won’t buy a new one and get rid of this piece of shit. It’s not like they don’t have the money.”

You both laughed, knowing it was true. Multi-million-dollar company and they refused to replace failing equipment. You tried the machine once again and groaned as you got the same message. Aiko snatched the paper from your hand and tossed it into the trash bin beside the machine, wrapping her arm around your waist as best she could and starting to walk with you.

“Just forward it to me and I’ll have someone from the other department print it off. Stop worrying about simple stuff. No need to stress out the little one here.”

She smiled brightly and leaned down slightly to coo at your tummy, sticking out and stretching your blouse. You smiled in return and continued walking with her until you both got to your cubicle. She leaned against the side as you sat down and looked down at your swollen ankles. Rolling your foot, you blew out a thankful breath, happy to be off your feet. Aiko tapped her hand on the wall and motioned out the window with her hand.

“You wanna just go ahead and take lunch with me now?”

Looking at your watch, you nodded with a shrug.

“Yeah, why not. It takes me an extra five minutes just to get down to the lobby anyway.”

Grabbing your bag and standing from your chair, you walked with Aiko down the hallway, offering smiles to coworkers who grinned at you and your pronounced bump. You took the elevator and made it down to the lobby, Aiko walking ahead of you some.

“You stay here, I’ll go get my car from the garage and pick you up.”

You knew better than to argue with her, yourself falling on the losing side every time. Not waiting for your response, she jogged out of the lobby, heading to the parking garage while you gave a yawn, your hunger finally announcing itself. You stood patiently as you waited, looking up and watching the birds fly in the sky with a smile. A sharp pain in your abdomen pulled your attention though and you leaned forward some, steadying yourself. Just as suddenly as it had arrived, the pain went away and you blew out a breath, standing back up straight. Your hand went to your tummy, rubbing gently but it did nothing to soothe the next pulse of pain, this one enough to have you doubling over. You rested your hands on your knees and braced yourself, your breaths coming quicker from the pain. The ache lasted longer this time and then went away momentarily, only to come back twice as bad. You dropped your purse down onto the ground beside you, your eyes closing as you tried to relax. The scene pulled the attention of two coworkers from the other department who jogged over to you. The older gentleman wrapped and arm around yours for support while the young new hire picked up your purse and clenched it in his hands, wide-eyed.

“You alright, ma’am?”

You nodded but said nothing, only for a sudden wetness to suddenly wash down your legs. It dripped down and pooled at your feet much to the horror of the new guy, who gasped and had to lean against the brick wall for support.

“Oh, Jesus Christ.”

Roger, who was much older and had four kids of his own hushed him.

“Relax. Everything’s fine, we just gotta get you into the hospital. Where’s your car?”

You pointed over into the garage, Aiko now visible as she pulled out of the exit.

“My friend was coming to pick me up.”

Seeing you doubled over, she rushed across the street, tires squealing. She was hopping out of the car before it had even come to a complete stop and running around to the other side where you were. She placed her hands on you immediately, leaning down to get eye level with you.

“Are you good, babe? What’s- “

She stopped as she saw the puddle on the cement beneath your feet and started to laugh excitedly.

“Oh my god, he’s coming. Shitty timing when we were gonna go get pizza but he’s coming!”

Wrapping her arm around your shoulders she helped you to the front seat, ordering the younger coworker to go to the trunk.

“Go get the bag that’s in there! Bring it to us.”

The ashen young man hurried to the back of the car and grabbed the bag before closing it and holding it out.

“Get out the towel.”

He nodded and followed her instructions, pulling the towel out of the bag and placing it onto the seat. Aiko helped you get in and put on the seatbelt for you, closing the door behind you and running around to the driver’s side, yelling at the two men as she did.

“Tell them we’re gonna miss the meeting at 2!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Aiko paced around the waiting room as she thought. She has thought that everything was going to go smoothly. She’d thought that you would deliver your son and be happy, enjoying your new child with your best friend at your side. Instead, things had gone wrong almost immediately when you were both in the delivery room. Your pains became sharper and sharper until they were unbearable. She could see you drifting in and out of it until suddenly you went still, and the heart monitor went from its pronounced beeping to one flat running tone. It was all a blur then, the nurses rushing her out as they started to work on you, the doctor shouting for a hemorrhage kit. It was pure chaos that broke out and now there she was, hands trembling as she walked back and forth, your phone in her hand. She looked down at it, her wheels turning.

When she had first met you, you both had clicked immediately. You had just moved into town and the fact that you were pregnant told her that whatever you had come from was a less than savory situation. She had taken you under her wing then, helping you get the new job, a nicer place, going to your appointments with you. She had taken on the role that Juice would have played, had he been man enough to stick around and care for the life he helped create. 

_‘I’ll be the daddy, fuck him.’_

That was something that she had always said, both because she meant it and because she knew it made you laugh. There were plenty of nights though where the humor and jokes melted away and it was just raw pain as you leaned on her, explaining the life that you had once had at the side of a Son. She was a bit more understanding then. No way in hell would she ever _like_ Juice, but the background answered many questions. It was one night filled with rain and tears where she had brought up the offer and you had agreed reluctantly.

If anything ever happened to you or the baby, she was allowed to call Gemma and let her know. Juice may have fucked up, but the rest of SAMCRO was still your family and you understood that it would be fair for them to know. Aiko had made the pact with you and had joked that it was a nice clause, but it wouldn’t be needed. Now as she stood there though, worry consuming her after them having to revive you twice already, she knew that hypothetical plan was going to become a reality.

Unlocking your phone, she searched through your contacts and held her finger over Gemma’s name. She hesitated but then clicked it anyway, bringing it up to her ear as it rang. The woman’s voice had a slight rasp but happiness as it came from the other side, excited to see that you were calling her.

“Long time, no talk. How’re you doing baby?”

Aiko swallowed and stammered slightly as she responded.

“Hi, I’m her friend actually, she wanted me to call you. We’re in the hospital. Something went wrong.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“`

You smiled down at your son as you held him in the rocking chair, Aiko sitting beside you, her long nails running over his arm softly. You both sat in silence, exhausted from the day’s events. It had been a rough delivery and you had been out with no recollection of most of it. An emergency cesarean had been the best choice and that was how your son had come into the world. Despite the complications that you had had, he was perfectly healthy. He was bright and energetic, loved from the start, and he looked just like his daddy. Your first look at him was like looking down at Juice and even Aiko had seen the resemblance from photos you had shown her.

You knew she had called Gemma like you both had agreed on and she was on her way with Juice. To be fair, once you had recovered in the hospital you had wondered if it was necessary. You were better now, having mostly recovered as far as any complications went. Now it was just healing from the c-section. You were on your first week of maternity leave now and even Aiko had used her saved up week of vacation to be at home with you to help look after you. Leaving you alone wasn’t an option and she had been there for the last two days since you’d been discharged, sleeping in the spare room to be around whenever you needed her. Gemma had agreed that it would be best to give you a couple of days to settle in before they came down.

Part of you didn’t want Juice to be able to see him. He didn’t deserve to get to hold the precious child he had turned his back on, but it wasn’t about you anymore, nor was it about him. It was about your son and what was best for him. Getting to at least meet his dad was only fair. If Gemma’s timing was right, they would be here shortly.

While you waited, you put the baby to sleep and sat in the kitchen while Aiko made lunch. You both talked and ate, laughing and joking, only stopping when you were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. You both looked away from each other and hesitated, Aiko standing and holding her hand out to stop you.

“I’ll get it, just relax.”

With a nod, you allowed her to get the door and she disappeared. You could hear the door opening, voices quietly talking, followed by footsteps and before long, you were looking at two faces you weren’t sure you were ever going to see again.

Gemma was wearing a bright smile while Juice looked terrified. You leaned forward to get up, pressing against you bandage across your abdomen as you did. Aiko quickly came to stand by your side, helping you up into standing. He held you for a moment longer, making sure that you were entirely stable before she released you and motioned to both Gemma and Juice. Gemma stepped forward first, taking you into her arms gently, being careful with you. She left a kiss to your forehead and looked into your eyes.

“I missed you, sweetheart. Jax sends all his love. Nero too.”

At that you smiled, a sense of longing and nostalgia coming over you as you remembered the people who were your family. Even the time and distance hadn’t changed that. Pulling away, she smiled at Aiko and motioned for her to come with her to the living room. Your friend hesitated, eyes on you to make sure that you were ok with being alone. Once she received a nod from you, she relented and went with Gemma, leaving only you and your ex Old Man standing silently in the kitchen. He was the first one to speak, his eyes locked with yours.

“Hi.”

You weren’t sure if it was the hormones, but you had the urge to throw something at him then. After all he had done, that was the first thing that he said? Your lack of a response spoke volumes and he dropped his head then, shaking it.

“I’m really fucking sorry.”

The fact he could barely look at you showed that he was disappointed in himself and that meant something. Your voice was tired when you spoke.

“Juice.”

He looked up quickly, eyes wide.

“Come sit.”

You motioned to the table where you had just been sitting and he quickly walked over. He reached out for you as you tried to sit and despite the irritation he could see you display, he grabbed you anyway, one hand on your back and the other on your arm as he helped you get into the chair safely. He then went and sat down himself, hands fidgeting as he clasped them together on the top. There was silence for a while before he finally started talking.

“I know that there isn’t ever gonna be anything that I can say that will make up for what I did. I abandoned you and our kid, and nothing will ever fix that. Nothing will make that right. I was wrong, and I was stupid, and I was scared, and I forced you to have to deal with that. You had to deal with my insecurities, and I won’t ever be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

His voice broke toward the end and no matter how shitty what he did was, it still brought a frown to your face. You stayed quiet though and let him continue. After taking a deep breath, he did.

“I was fucking stupid. I never thought that I would find someone that would be worth having a family with, then I found you and I was so scared that it was coming true I didn’t know what to do. I’m a fuck up. I’ve always been a fuck up. Half the time I didn’t know why you ever bothered with me, but you did. I just didn’t want to fuck up being a dad. I felt like the kid deserved better. I thought you deserved better. God knows you deserved even better now. I want to be there though. I want to get to know him. I want to help you. I wanna be there when he tries new foods or when his teeth come in or when he starts drawing. I want to be there for him. I don’t want…I don’t want to be like my dad.”

His eyes held tears and he brushed them away roughly.

“I know I started this shit like him, but I swear to you that I’m not gonna finish it like that. I get that you probably hate me and don’t want anything to do with me. I get that. I just hope that you can forgive me. I just really want to get to know my son. I want to help raise him. I won’t fight you on anything. I just wanna be there. Here. Wherever. I just want my family. _Please_.”

He was begging by the end, something you had never seen him do before. He was pleading for a second chance and even if you weren’t sold for yourself, you knew that he would make things right with your son. You took a deep breath, your own emotions on a roller coaster as you looked at him, his hands trembling as he awaited your response. Blowing out the breath, you sighed and motioned for him to come over and help you stand. He jumped up quickly and helped you back out of the chair.

“Follow me.”

He listened and fell in line behind you, following you as you walked to the nursery. You used your hand to motion to the crib and he looked at you wide-eyed. Finding a smile, you pushed him gently forward.

“Go meet your son.”


End file.
